Oh My God Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me!!!

Oh...my...god... I never would have been able to imagine before just how much effort, dedication, patience, efficiency and passion it requires to be a working mum. I appreciate endlessly the superpowers that Grace’s arrival has given and driven me to evolve. I’m not taking about birth. Don’t misunderstand that it scared the living daylights out of me. I don’t want to do it again, even though I believe passionately in the positivity of having siblings. I mean I feel like I am not capable, I am not equipped I will never be ready to go again and that’s okay, but it’s everything after that which I’m talking about in this instance. It’s also okay if I’m wrong and I change my mind. But for now it’s okay that I adjusted my vision to do what’s best for me and what’s best for my daughter. What I am doing is enough. I want to feel proud of that. I wanted a baby so much that the thoughts and feelings consumed me. But that does not mean that I will ever be ready to give up my life and my being, my personality or my profession for her. Indeed I am lucky enough have designed it to a point to embrace her. I can do both. I am allowed to do both. It’s worrying that I even feel the need to state that, but let’s leave the statement there. Yet it is still not easy. Life it not easy. Nobody’s daily life is easy. None of us have the right to judge one another because you will just never have the full range of feelings, experiences, consequences and fear as anyone else, living whatever life you relate to, or don’t. You just don’t. Anyone flaunting their strengths, fortune, happiness or otherwise is probably covering some other deep insecurities. We all are. So I wanted a baby. I met someone wonderful and she is here. But that isn’t the full story, nor a happily ever after. I am doing my best. My very best and sometimes that doesn’t reach my own standards and sometimes I feel that if someone walked into my house and saw us right now, (however close and trusted they may be to me), I would be ashamed. But nothing is wrong. It’s just hard. Nothing is going wrong, I am very, very happy, but I am challenged. Here’s to the understanding that no one’s experience can be boxed or colour-coded. I would even propose that happiness requires huge effort and must be consistently reviewed and updated to remain valid. It’s hard work, but it is hard work that pays back dividends, if only I can learn to appreciate myself for all the effort it takes to tread-water and how proud of myself I should be for that! 


A revelation that I am still buzzing from this week is that people I know have made a profession out of their greatest fear. It surprised me, but comparing it now to my own life experiences, I feel like it should be no surprise at all. The ‘best of the best’ professional people never take anything for granted. I have thrived from challenging my own fears. I have created passions from them. Indeed I think I would not feel the same sense of deep appreciation and satisfaction for reaching the end of each day in one piece, if it wasn’t so damn crazy and difficult. None of this means I regret or dislike parenting. Hell yeah it’s the biggest and best challenge I have yet faced and I’m really happy that it took me so long to encounter the circumstances that would lead to this. I personally would not have been ready any earlier. As it stands I have an amazing support network. I would spend more time with them if I could. But the balancing act is a constant work in progress. It’s all a work in progress. I’m happy, but be sure that I am banking some effort towards the appreciation I will feel in coming months when things feel more settled. I need to learn to feel appreciation and pride for myself on a daily basis, because it doesn’t get banked. It doesn’t get easier. It just changes. I love my daughter more and more everyday. I’m also more and more shocked, dismayed, confused, amused and frustrated, but in proportion.Basically I think I am appreciating more than ever that it’s okay to change, adjust, grow, step back, re-evaluate. It’s also amazing connecting with your nearest and most trusted darlings during times of great flux. It shows and proves who those folk really are. Top of the list is myself. I’ve really made friends with myself. We fight, but much less! Next is my best friend. She is my best friend for a reason, there is nothing that she doesn't let me say. Other people show themselves to be utterly there for me under the most unusual of circumstances. I will never stop loving those people. I’m so very grateful. And tired. It’s okay. Don’t judge me. But I think I am doing rather well. And so are you. It’s all normal! Don’t be afraid. 

Super Powers for a Simple Life

I have learned that I love parents. Parents simply do not have time to overthink or doubt themselves. If they did, nothing would ever happen and no one would ever leave their houses! I’m not saying there aren’t meltdowns and mess ups. Of course there are, but the resulting fall out becomes negatory and everyone can just dust up and move on. For me it’s a simpler life than the anxious, careful over deliberation of past life choices. My every second is occupied. Yes it’s sort of stressful at times. But actually if something doesn’t get done, it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s just tough luck and more of the same tomorrow. If a parent is late or cancels, it’s for a good reason. Trust me, they probably crave your company and wish they could be there right now discussing whatever important issues of the day over a coffee that someone else made for them and there wasn’t another nappy change, feed, over tired screaming fit, long drive, bus journey or otherwise unmanageable set of circumstances between them and you and coffee. They are not ditching you in favour of some love interest, taking too long to do their hair or weighing up a better offer. They mean what they say. Lying would require too much cognitive action. Choices are split second. The answer to wine is yes and the answer to will they be able to be there next week is find out on the day. I admire the honesty and the long stories cut short, the getting to the point and the making the most of simple pleasures. I still get to do all the things I love, on top of loving and caring for my baby. But I savour them so much more. The main thing is that I just do not waste time on anything that isn’t very important to me. It’s streamlined my genuine personal interests and topics I’m willing to discuss for over 5 minutes. I hope my friends still like me… who am I kidding. My real friends are better friends than ever before and everyone else is just too busy doing their own thing to hang out with a baby and that’s totally fine. If I had to adjust my world or my behaviour to fit someone else expectation, well right now it just simply wouldn’t happen. Here I am bare faced and real as they come and I couldn’t be happier about that particular aspect. 

Illustration by Lucy Scott

Doodle Diary of a New Mom: An Illustrated Journey Through One Mommy’s First Year 

by Lucy Scott

Nervous Baby Dolphin

I’ve been taking Grace to Swimkidz. The babies are dunked underwater right from the start to build on their natural instinct for it. Some impulsively kick their legs and one little beauty is way ahead with a butterfly stroke, aka big arm waving. Grace on the other hand cries her little heart out. Eeek! But it has helped me learn how to comfort her really well. So on top of swimming, she is learning that although Mum won’t shield her from doing scary things, I will be there to help her be brave and learn new skills.

Becoming a Mum is like joining a special club. But it’s a special club full of every kind of person, so I’m not guaranteed to get on with them all. I’ve been feeling guilty about not attending more baby groups so far. Partly I am a little intimidated because I visited my local centre for an antenatal class and I was patronised out of going back by a pregnant Doctor in the group. She was so desperate to be right over being friendly or helpful. It was really rude and bullying. So I’m kinda not up for hanging out there.

I also haven’t really wanted to yet. Being freelance, there is every reason to make hay in prosperous times. I’ve got some lovely contracts ticking along just now, but I have no idea what will be around the corner. I am in year four of independent trading and I love my lifestyle, but my take home profit is non existent. I more achieve the lifestyle I want, through enjoying of the trappings of my profession. As her Auntie Kate says, there is no such thing as a work life balance. There is just life. I am making the best use of what I have. At the moment I work in baby’s nap times. Sometimes writing, sometimes designing and more frequently now sewing garments. I have opened an Etsy Shop. I will be adding my creations in coming weeks. I hope to use the extra cash to buy the things I need for baby Grace. 

She likes the sewing days because she enjoys the physical aspect of my moving about the room waving colourful fabrics and counting out patterns. We’ve also discovered that dancing for her is a completely successful form of baby entertainment. Ghetto Funk is a firm favourite so far. But I haven’t worked out how to make a living out of that yet. Exercise video anyone?

I get on with the Mums at Swimkidz. Not least because they have been so supportive of my taking her in order to consciously avoid passing on my own fear of water. I’m actually grateful that Grace cried all the way through her first session. We can only get better from here and it proves that the guided sessions are a worthy investment for a nervous baby dolphin. But also because we have something in common, more than just children of the same age. A small, regular group means I get to have meaningful interactions with the other Mums. I feel like at this early stage in Grace’s life, I will find Mums who we’ll get on well with if I seek out activities that mean something to me. I wonder if anyone else originally just signed up because they want to have their own baby version of the Nevermind album cover?

Swimkidz

Pure Liberty on Etsy

Ghetto Funk

Glittery Cardboard Box Bottoms @ Shambala 2015

Originally written 30th August 2015

I have just completed my forth gig touring the Marie Celestial at Shambala, a wonderfully fluffy, glitter-ridden utopian festival. There is so much glitter shedding from the twenty-thousand strong crowd that the trackway literally sparkles. 

The Marie Celestial is my adventure into running my own circus with my best friend 3D artist Ruby Soho. It has been a continual whirlwind of effort for nearly a full year now. I can report that the dedication and sacrifice of sanity somewhat outweighs the end result, but what we have made is good. Very good. It's far from perfect yet, but it's attracting attention and it's making people smile. It's also draining the life force out of others, hurting, breaking and offending some. But having come this far, there is no turning back, we all want to make it count. Plus it's far more fully fledged than a dead loss. We just need to streamline... everything. I could spend a lifetime picking to pieces my life lessons. Hell I already do, which is why other areas of my life have fallen silent. I'm also pregnant for the first time which is as equally fascinating, daunting and irreversible. 

Perhaps it's my sobriety or perhaps it's simply a rare moment of peace where I find myself, but I wanted to report a few simple things before the next leg of the tour. I'm tucked up in my Transit van named Biscuit while rain falls and the weekend-long party draws towards it's close.

Just to cover some facts, I'm six months along, expecting a little girl in December. I've come to accept that she is not a talking dolphin, unicorn or other such mythical or imaginary creature. Yes I am romantically partnered with her father. I love him very much. He shares many of my peculiar anxieties, but together we face the world and find comfort and familiarity in music and choice of pudding. He is working as a sound engineer in one of the venues at the festival. Our little girl is kicking me from the inside in a comforting fidget I recognise in both of us. The Marie Celestial is my full time occupation, it represents my biggest ever professional challenge, but also my proudest achievement career wise.

I've never been to Shambala before. It has a reputation for being the festival at the end of the summer where touring crews finally let their hair down. I will be on my way to another first thing tomorrow but that is another chapter.

The best thing I have seen all weekend is a cardboard-box robot absolutely loosing it on the dance floor in the Wandering Word. Space hats off to you my cardboard android friend. You shook your square bottom like I never knew was possible! 

This is a different cardboard robot from Secret Garden Party 2012.

Marie Celestial

Marie Celestial Facebook

Buckle Up Baby on Board

I have been away from my blog for some time, preoccupied with two of the most incredible achievements of my life. My biggest independent professional project to date and a baby!

I can happily report that we did indeed receive a business loan as a result of our A Star business plan. Although we were not permitted to put this towards a property as planned. We do not yet own an arts centre or a hot tub, but I have a beautiful baby girl and Ruby has a baby boy on the way! We couldn’t be happier.

My pregnancy was discovered in March 2015. I had already moved out of my last home and I was surfing a collection of sofas whilst we awaited news of the business loan, for a very long time. When finally successful I used this to buy a Transit van and I moved into that. I was fortunate enough to score a park up at Yard Arts. A circus performers collective and land custodian in St Pauls in Bristol, with the baby’s father. Our first home together.

Baby on board we set about touring the Marie Celestial. Intergalactic mechanical circus! The tour was incredibly challenging but also a huge achievement and a veritable ski jump of a learning curve. I would like to try to retrospectively fill in some of the gaps in the professional development of Liberty Rocks, still so named so far.

The content of my blog may change a little with the new arrival demanding attention. But I would like to focus on the curious aspects of being a freelancing, working mum in the arts.

Buckle up, it’s a hell of a journey. X

The Transit towing the Marie Celestial at The Lost Carnival.

Yard Arts Collective

Lost Carnival 

Slow Motion Action Scene

Everything is up in the air. The state of Liberty Rocks is a slow motion, action scene. The smoking gun is flying high in the air while I perform flying scissor kicks below, holding every outcome in perfect poise... metaphorically at least. The next bit will either be a gravity defying victory or sudden death.

I am maintaining a calm and professional face and confident, relaxed tones reassuring that everything is underhand and on the way. All the while I am shuffling some very exciting prospects, closer to becoming reality. The seeds are planted yet there is a pressure to produce something tangible.

Big news is on the way. While we are waiting for spring to break and for summer to start taking shape, behind the scenes everything is ticking away. But let me elaborate on that crazy action packed scene I opened with.

I am the Writer and Producer behind the Marie Celestial. The mechanical, travelling, circus spaceship. Ruby Soho is building the craft. With her I am producing, marketing, business planning and administrating what could be known as the "back office". Very soon we will have to board that ship and pilot it to a host of gorgeous festival destinations. Many of which will be completely new to us!

Over the cranky Christmas period we had this bright idea to formally go into partnership together. Above and beyond creating the Marie Celestial. We propose that pooling our resources will afford us a hot tub and a cocktail deck on top of the metallic beast.

But talking seriously, we have dreamed of becoming our own arts centre. After eight years of friendship, now we can genuinely visualise this coming true. We are piecing together our respective ambitions for progressive art and hands-on education. We've written an A Star business plan to prove it.

Phase one will mean moving in together and opening a new workshop under the moniker of Liberty Soho! We were so sure in all of this plotting, that I mentioned it to my landlord and accordingly he got the builders in, who have been drinking tea when in my kitchen when I crawl through it to wash, which is now a dust ridden and crusty hovel thanks to their efforts towards a new family moving in... in ten days time.

Impending homelessness has not left the Powers That Be, feeling any particular need to hurry. Those making the decision whether we will receive the loan we need to move house, start a business and generally rock the mechanical, circus, arts world happily ever after, are slack, slow and mildly disparaging at best.

I performed an interview in request of this momentous decision over the telephone today. Sat in Olympia, at the Event Industry Expo. While a man in drag as the Queen blared out a generic year 2000 cheese, pop tune, over and over again. (Please tell me that the idea of corporate discos is finally dead??)

There was no choice as to when the phone call would arrive. I am at least busy earning my keep by talking to fellas who think it's perfectly normal to dress as a television, thank you Bearded Kitten. Buzzing about in London Town with a completely empty bank account, while I am asking for a post financial crash lender, to support my ambition to roam welly wearing, middle England, in a chicken-shaped spaceship.

But there's nothing like running on empty to make you value everything that really matters.

Watch this space!

Follow the Marie Celestial

How to Fundraise with a Kickstarter Campaign

1. Why Kickstarter?
   Kickstarter is the original and most widely recognised crowdfunding platform. They have a focus on arts based projects. There are others which focus more specifically on business, entrepreneurship and social projects. Make it work for you by choosing a platform which won’t need too much explaining to your audience, or even better has an audience of it’s own which you can mine.

2. Ask for what you need.
   Have a realistic budget for your entire project before you start. Smaller targets are easier to reach. Try to fundraise from a variety of sources which added together will make up the full budget. Check the deadlines for grant awards and schedule back up options to cover unsuccessful bids. Kickstarter is a great place to start because it creates a webpage for you which will remain after the deadline has passed. A successful campaign is a strong marketing tool.

3. Remember to consider the cost of making, producing and delivering your rewards. It works best to keep them closely related to the project your are fundraising for. i.e. tickets to the performance, a copy of the finished article, artwork, keepsakes. Most backers will be altruistic and will select no reward in return for their donation. Most feel shy about taking part in experiences so offer them a group activity if you can.

4. Build momentum. Remember if you ask your long lost friends directly and impersonally for a cash payout, they may be offended. However it is great opportunity to reconnect and show them what you are doing now! Just be personal about it. Talk to people, don’t over sell. If they like what you’re doing they will be receptive about sharing your good news.

5. Be real. Show your gratitude and be positive. Even if you don’t make your target, running a crowd funding campaign is a great way to talk about your aspirations. Try to share lots of news and photos throughout your campaign to keep it fun and interesting.

6. Be confident. Affirm your supporters and keep things rolling with good news and developments. Use local media and create a buzz, by giving back to your local community by sharing other people’s news and ask for as much help as you can in return.

The Stats: You will pay 10% in fees to Kickstarter and Amazon, so make sure you have accounted for this. Remember also to account for costs associated in fulfilling your pledges including postage and packaging fees. Keep your pledges simple. For the most part backers are feeling philanthropic and want to see you succeed. Giant rewards trigger guilt, so small rewards work wonders. Think momentos and keepsakes.

www.kickstarter.com/projects/714020266/the-marie-celestial